Looking Back, Moving Forward: My MS Journey
This time, ten years ago, I was oblivious. Oblivious to many things, of course. Being a 24 y/o girl living alone in the city gave me profound notions about being an all-knowing adult whose shit was ALMOST together (I’ve never been naive enough to believe that it fully was), but unbeknownst to poor little post-teen me, my shit was just about to hit the fan.
There were wild parties, awful work shifts the mornings after, and numerous spur-of-the-moment tattoo appointments that I swear I do not regret (that is not entirely true, but we move on), and although at the time I felt like I had everything going for me, I had very little. I was happy being a twenty-something party girl, and I’m glad I experienced those things while I could.
One morning, on Valentine's Day, no less, I woke up in my best friend's apartment in Amsterdam. He was doing his masters at the University there, and after a night out on the town, I decided to grab the red eye to Schipol for a visit. I remember feeling utter bliss, watching the snow outside the window in my favourite city with no care in the world. My Mother called, “SUPRISE! I got us two tickets to see Beyoncé in July!” I liked Beyoncé, but Mam worshipped her! I would go to see Mam’s favourite artists with her because I just loved spending time with her, so I was so excited about this concert.
The day Beyoncé played was a super sunny summer day, and I was enjoying the sun through the window while I lay in a hospital bed, recovering from three failed attempts at a lumbar puncture just one week after my preliminary MS diagnosis.
Mam had fun with her friend; she got me a T-shirt that said “I Woke Up Like Dis” and it became a staple of my pyjama drawer.
There’s no place like Haarlem <3
Life changed quickly, as it had to. I had to move back home with the folks as I could no longer work in my field. Whatever, though, living with my parents was like a giant sleepover with my best pals that never ended! I got to spend so much time with my little brother, all six-foot-something of the little guy, which was just the best!
I couldn’t stay still. However, I wanted to become someone. I tried everything to reinvent myself. I wanted to start a small business, tried my hand at tattooing, and even dipped my toe into the crazy world of beauty influencing, but a Guru I was not. One day I descended the stairs (very carefully because MS and stairs do not mix well,) and proclaimed to my parents that I was to be returning to college to study Psychology. And guess what?! I Didn’t. Not because I couldn’t, I just didn’t feel like that was me. But writing, that was me all over. I wanted to be a writer, and journalism seemed like the best first step into the writing world. It took a lot of preparation and planning to get myself back to college. The anxiety of how to get there and back, how to juggle college attendance and severe fatigue, it was terrifying. The answer came in the form of a face mask and a stay-at-home order, Covid. College was to be held remotely. After garnering 1500+ hours in Animal Crossing, I was ready to hit the books!
Making Animal Crossing creepy was my covid self expression.
Lets skip ahead just a bit.
I’m living independently again in my new apartment. I have three cats, I’ve learned to drive, I’m working my dream job in a television station (it’s not writing but I can express my creativity) and I have the most amazing Fiancé and stepson in the world. I do school runs and playdates and I am fulfilled. Life is different, life is good.
Chill, it’s just a Hot Chocolate.
There is a shared sentiment in the MS community, “I miss the old me.”
While that is an entirely acceptable thing to feel, and boy did I feel it, it has taken an entire decade of this MS crap for me to change my perspective. I don’t miss the old me. I am ten times the woman I was back then, and everything I have achieved thus far is down to me, not down to me because of my illness. I have bloomed and blossomed in spite of all the struggles MS has handed me. That is from strength, strength that was there long before any drop foot or slurred speech.
I don’t miss the old me because as humans we are supposed to change, we grow and improve every day for the better.
”But if you had a time machine, would you go back to the person you were before?” Absolutely not. We react to our environment and adapt accordingly. Multiple Sclerosis is the environment that was thrust upon me, and I learned to adapt. I look around at my Beautiful home, loving family and kick-ass job and I wonder if things had been different, if I wasn’t pushing so hard to give the biggest F-U to MS would I even be here? Probably. But there’s just that added sprinkling of spite that makes the achievements so much juicier.
F-U MS, see you in the next ten xo
